1) Fuck off. You need to get over yourself and realise that what I do is of no concern to you whatsoever. The reason you have been banished to the Shrieking Shack is because you cannot be trusted with anything, which you have proved time and time again. You just don’t get it and it seems you never will. Stop trying to meddle in whatever it is I’m doing and stop attempting to manipulate our mutual friends; there’s no lower to sink than that you pathetic son-of-a-bitch. I despise you more than anyone else I know on a personal level – you elevated yourself to that position with the message you sent me (which according to friends is full of shit anyway) and the lies you told in order to attempt to justify said message. 

2) Fuck off. It’s never going to happen, it never was and it never will. Realise this and then you can be happier and can stop getting in the way.

3) Fuck off.

Now writing a good fifteen minutes later, I have no idea why I am watching a Mr. Brightside a capella instead of getting dressed. It’s obviously going to be a very Killers day… begging the question: What’s new? 

‘Your sky’s full of dreams, but you don’t know how to fly.’

There was, of course, a lot of drama in many directions (whilst a lot of it involved people around me, I stayed free for the most part) which took its toll very heavily on the con as a whole, and somewhat to me as an individual.  I had one very low day which was probably caused mostly by a lack of sleep building up over the days but also by a complete tosser who should know better than to say cruel things about all of our friends. I also found out some absolutely devastating news about a friend which I had not expected at all. So I spent almost the entirety of that day in bed wishing I could fall asleep/getting emotional (again, probably mostly the whole tired thing) listening to Dumbledore’s Farewell and then when I heard that bad news I was set off again and wanted nothing more than to hug myself until I ended up back home – but it’s okay now, because that day is over, no matter how horrible it was, and we’ll get through everything in time (to the two people who may or may not ever read this, we will – we’re good friends for good reason and you’ll both pull through what you’re going through). 

Save me, I’m lost! Oh Lord, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ll pay any cost – save me from being confused. Show me what I’m looking for, show me what I’m looking for – Oh Lord. 

This extract is from a song Talena introduced me to just this last week, and I love it. I type it only because it just came on Rita’s playlist; you should take a listen to it: Show Me What I’m Looking For by Carolina Liar. It’s very raw, powerful and the lyrics are so emotional and punchy. I think everyone can relate to it in one way or another. 

I’m also at a point in my life where I’ve no idea where I’m going – I feel an inevitable pull in one direction yet I know as soon as I return home, I will realise that in fact saying such a thing would be a terrible idea and its consequences unimaginable. I know someone who may read this understands entirely due to a conversation we had last night – I’m glad I’m not the only one who knows how it feels to have your insides twisted and pulled on a daily basis. Whatever, I’ve survived life for this long and there’s no reason I can’t keep going! Positive thoughts and actions, right? 

I’ve been a little sick since I left San Francisco with regards to food… I hope this clears up soon. Anecdotal end.

• Lack of revision
• Illness
• Crap start to the year; taking exams in subjects I did not choose to do
• Unhappiness

I think that covers everything. I am resitting the exams in June (thus doubling my workload for the summer, but that’s my own fault!) where I will hopefully get A grades across the board.

I was chosen by senior management, teaching staff and peers as Chairman of the School Council. Was extremely disappointed at first (to an extent known by none except for myself) but have since accepted it and look forward to doing what I can. Yes we can? Ha.

I was in a school production of Much Ado About Nothing; something that was most enjoyable and I have met some great people through it. Hopefully going to Thorpe Park with the cast and crew in a couple of weeks. This took up a lot of time and therefore meant my workload went through the roof (and my sleep levels through the floor) but I don’t regret it at all.

Nearly all of my friends are prefects next year. Fantastic!

Could really have done with another coffee today… there are just things going on and one wasn’t enough. Starbucks fifth with the gang would have been brilliant but had to do some outside work and didn’t have time to shoot my body up with another shot of caffeine. I have this horrible feeling that I’m slowly floating into an abyss that will be horrifically destructive (somewhat related to the coffee but the link will be lost on all but myself) and I should stop myself… or should I?

Scenarios:

• Fall into the abyss, all hell breaks loose and there’s no gain. LIKELY.
• Fall into the abyss, all hell breaks loose and there’s a significant gain. LESS LIKELY.
• Fall into the abyss, moderate breaking loose of hell and there’s no gain. UNLIKELY.
• Fall into the abyss, moderate breaking loose of hell and there’s a significant gain. VERY UNLIKELY.

• Skate around the surface of the abyss; things stay constant with no gain. MOST LIKELY SCENARIO.
• Skate around the surface of the abyss; things stay constant apart from a significant gain. MOST PREFERABLE. UNLIKELY.

Falling into the abyss is slightly out of my control, although I control it ultimately. Not going to happen; likeliness is relative. Last two scenarios are the most likely… I’d much prefer the last one but the second to last one is very probable. Things will blow over I guess… they always do.

EASTER HOLIDAYS. Lots to do, couple of parties, seeing friends from school and further afield, working, doing lots of homework and revision, extra-curricular stuff and hopefully some sleep and free time? I forgot exercise. That too.

So, back to the essence of the blog: Is it a golden honey trap? Is it laced with cyanide? Is it a sweet nectar and nothing more? Deadly? Any of these are possibilities… and possibilities are always possible. Oh, how profound. I come out with stupider statements every day. I wish I could read people’s minds; that way I could always know people’s motives, intentions and feelings.

Fumbling through your dresser drawer forgot what I was looking for
Try to guide me in the right direction
Making use of all this time
Keeping everything inside
Close my eyes and listen to you cry

[Chorus:]
I’m lifting you up
I’m letting you down
I’m dancing til dawn
I’m fooling around
I’m not giving up
I’m making your love
This city’s made us crazy and we must get out

So I’ve been listening to this song a lot lately, because I’m just so exhausted of school. The next two days are my last for a week! YES! No school for a week! I need this break; I’m physically and emotionally shattered by the daily routine. I’m beginning to wonder who my friends are at school and why friendships seem to change constantly…

<removed because I was oh so wrong>

On the upside, prospects for me getting a senior position in the school leadership next year seem to be getting better and better. Time to get something back for all that I’ve put in over the years. Oh, and to see the look on people’s faces who underestimated me.

Vindictive and exhausted. Bad combo.

Apologies for updating so rarely. Life’s busy. And these blogs are always depressing to read, I’m sure. But, as I said before, they’re therapeutic.

Happy times since last blog: Obama inaugurated. Now this blog is a bit happier. yay

I’m worried about exams, failure and my mum’s cancer coming out of remission (that hasn’t happened, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about it every day). I’m worried about germs, falling ill, things not feeling right and breathing near bins and people who look ill. Fantastic, it’s developing into full blown OCD. I’m worried about my friendship with a few of my friends. One of my best friends said something absolutely shocking to me a few weeks ago and despite my dismissing of it to their face I couldn’t believe they said that. It wasn’t aimed at me at all; not a personal attack but something that unintentionally smacked me in the bollocks and hit my face whilst I was leaning over and recovering. I was so surprised! The saddest thing is that they make themselves out not to be what what they said implies they are, and they honestly don’t understand that what they said was terrible.

And I just generally feel down in the dumps (*SKIPS TRACK BECAUSE THERE IS A LINE IN IT I NEVER WANT TO HEAR AGAIN IN MY LIFE – ‘Won’t you kiss me?’ – BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING I HATE SO MUCH*) and don’t have a pro-active response to it. Sometimes I feel a little better after blogging about it and I think that’s why most of my blogs are so depressing. I don’t tell many people when I feel like shit, and if I do then I do not tell them why, and so I have to release it somehow. The blog is my release.

Admittedly, I’m not at my worst. The worst I’ve ever felt can be read further down the page, dated 4th September. That was the lowest point I’ve ever reached in my life; I felt like I’d never feel happy again. I didn’t know what I hated more, being at school uncertain of my future or being at home where my mum was constantly tired after her two operations and spent most of the day in bed. Constant reminders of my school life in turmoil and the uncertainty of my mother recovering from cancer. A friend of mine whose mother died of cancer 6 years ago said to me when she found out: It always happens to the nicest people.

Oh, and title comes from the Christmas release from The Killers and Elton John.

‘Tom, are you alright? You look nervous.’

‘It’s just my default facial expression… puzzled sadness?’

‘Yes, that’s how I’d probably describe it.’

I don’t really know what to say to this – I can’t find a way to see it as a good thing, only a bad one. It often leads people to ask what’s wrong, what I’m thinking or if there’s anything they can do for me. It’s an odd one.

I’ve been really busy, hence the lack of updates. Sorry. I’ll update again soon, I hope. I need to also rebuy the domain for another year… yet more money to spend.

I think it’s clear from previous posts that I believe my life to be far from perfect – I’m going through some rough times that have been present since late August, but I’ll pull through, I hope. I just need to try and repair a friendship. My best friend; my BEST friend. I feel distant from and I’m beginning to feel the start of resentment towards him and I don’t want to, but I am feeling it. I need to address it. I don’t know how. It’s difficult when you have this feeling of dissatisfaction with someone, but they don’t seem to feel it too – how can you tell them you feel they’re not always acting like a friend?

Gosh. There goes what I said in my first paragraph. I guess sometimes it’s just best to bash out these thoughts onto a keyboard – whether they’re read or not feels somewhat irrelevant.

Light up, light up – as if you have a choice?

Edit: Changed header. OH MY GOD THE BLOG POST ABOUT TWO OR THREE POSTS DOWN IS DEPRESSING. DIEDIEDIE

It’s just not fair. I’m a good person who works hard. I hate my life.