It’s a golden honey trap

I’ll stop apologising for the long gaps in my illustrious shamefully underrated blogging history. There’s no point putting it in each post. So, what have I been doing since I last blogged? I better reread so that I know when I last blogged… AH! Got my January module results back, did crap. Why is that? Let’s see me try and defend it:

• Lack of revision
• Illness
• Crap start to the year; taking exams in subjects I did not choose to do
• Unhappiness

I think that covers everything. I am resitting the exams in June (thus doubling my workload for the summer, but that’s my own fault!) where I will hopefully get A grades across the board.

I was chosen by senior management, teaching staff and peers as Chairman of the School Council. Was extremely disappointed at first (to an extent known by none except for myself) but have since accepted it and look forward to doing what I can. Yes we can? Ha.

I was in a school production of Much Ado About Nothing; something that was most enjoyable and I have met some great people through it. Hopefully going to Thorpe Park with the cast and crew in a couple of weeks. This took up a lot of time and therefore meant my workload went through the roof (and my sleep levels through the floor) but I don’t regret it at all.

Nearly all of my friends are prefects next year. Fantastic!

Could really have done with another coffee today… there are just things going on and one wasn’t enough. Starbucks fifth with the gang would have been brilliant but had to do some outside work and didn’t have time to shoot my body up with another shot of caffeine. I have this horrible feeling that I’m slowly floating into an abyss that will be horrifically destructive (somewhat related to the coffee but the link will be lost on all but myself) and I should stop myself… or should I?

Scenarios:

• Fall into the abyss, all hell breaks loose and there’s no gain. LIKELY.
• Fall into the abyss, all hell breaks loose and there’s a significant gain. LESS LIKELY.
• Fall into the abyss, moderate breaking loose of hell and there’s no gain. UNLIKELY.
• Fall into the abyss, moderate breaking loose of hell and there’s a significant gain. VERY UNLIKELY.

• Skate around the surface of the abyss; things stay constant with no gain. MOST LIKELY SCENARIO.
• Skate around the surface of the abyss; things stay constant apart from a significant gain. MOST PREFERABLE. UNLIKELY.

Falling into the abyss is slightly out of my control, although I control it ultimately. Not going to happen; likeliness is relative. Last two scenarios are the most likely… I’d much prefer the last one but the second to last one is very probable. Things will blow over I guess… they always do.

EASTER HOLIDAYS. Lots to do, couple of parties, seeing friends from school and further afield, working, doing lots of homework and revision, extra-curricular stuff and hopefully some sleep and free time? I forgot exercise. That too.

So, back to the essence of the blog: Is it a golden honey trap? Is it laced with cyanide? Is it a sweet nectar and nothing more? Deadly? Any of these are possibilities… and possibilities are always possible. Oh, how profound. I come out with stupider statements every day. I wish I could read people’s minds; that way I could always know people’s motives, intentions and feelings.

Must Get Out

Fumbling through your dresser drawer forgot what I was looking for
Try to guide me in the right direction
Making use of all this time
Keeping everything inside
Close my eyes and listen to you cry

[Chorus:]
I’m lifting you up
I’m letting you down
I’m dancing til dawn
I’m fooling around
I’m not giving up
I’m making your love
This city’s made us crazy and we must get out

So I’ve been listening to this song a lot lately, because I’m just so exhausted of school. The next two days are my last for a week! YES! No school for a week! I need this break; I’m physically and emotionally shattered by the daily routine. I’m beginning to wonder who my friends are at school and why friendships seem to change constantly…

<removed because I was oh so wrong>

On the upside, prospects for me getting a senior position in the school leadership next year seem to be getting better and better. Time to get something back for all that I’ve put in over the years. Oh, and to see the look on people’s faces who underestimated me.

Vindictive and exhausted. Bad combo.

Apologies for updating so rarely. Life’s busy. And these blogs are always depressing to read, I’m sure. But, as I said before, they’re therapeutic.

Happy times since last blog: Obama inaugurated. Now this blog is a bit happier. yay

Better You Than Me

I’m feeling the injustice in the world at the moment. Starving children in Africa, despot dictators in Asian states, corrupt politicians in established ‘democracies’, inequality for minorities of all types and the general terribleness (I don’t care if it’s not a word) of some people in this world.

I’m worried about exams, failure and my mum’s cancer coming out of remission (that hasn’t happened, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about it every day). I’m worried about germs, falling ill, things not feeling right and breathing near bins and people who look ill. Fantastic, it’s developing into full blown OCD. I’m worried about my friendship with a few of my friends. One of my best friends said something absolutely shocking to me a few weeks ago and despite my dismissing of it to their face I couldn’t believe they said that. It wasn’t aimed at me at all; not a personal attack but something that unintentionally smacked me in the bollocks and hit my face whilst I was leaning over and recovering. I was so surprised! The saddest thing is that they make themselves out not to be what what they said implies they are, and they honestly don’t understand that what they said was terrible.

And I just generally feel down in the dumps (*SKIPS TRACK BECAUSE THERE IS A LINE IN IT I NEVER WANT TO HEAR AGAIN IN MY LIFE – ‘Won’t you kiss me?’ – BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING I HATE SO MUCH*) and don’t have a pro-active response to it. Sometimes I feel a little better after blogging about it and I think that’s why most of my blogs are so depressing. I don’t tell many people when I feel like shit, and if I do then I do not tell them why, and so I have to release it somehow. The blog is my release.

Admittedly, I’m not at my worst. The worst I’ve ever felt can be read further down the page, dated 4th September. That was the lowest point I’ve ever reached in my life; I felt like I’d never feel happy again. I didn’t know what I hated more, being at school uncertain of my future or being at home where my mum was constantly tired after her two operations and spent most of the day in bed. Constant reminders of my school life in turmoil and the uncertainty of my mother recovering from cancer. A friend of mine whose mother died of cancer 6 years ago said to me when she found out: It always happens to the nicest people.

Oh, and title comes from the Christmas release from The Killers and Elton John.

Facial Expression

My default facial expression often leads to questions. My maths teacher used to think I looked upset or confused when I was concentrating, my Chemistry teacher has commented on this also and my English teacher (who is, incidentally, my form tutor also) referenced it yesterday.

‘Tom, are you alright? You look nervous.’

‘It’s just my default facial expression… puzzled sadness?’

‘Yes, that’s how I’d probably describe it.’

I don’t really know what to say to this – I can’t find a way to see it as a good thing, only a bad one. It often leads people to ask what’s wrong, what I’m thinking or if there’s anything they can do for me. It’s an odd one.

I’ve been really busy, hence the lack of updates. Sorry. I’ll update again soon, I hope. I need to also rebuy the domain for another year… yet more money to spend.

This blog is depressing

I’ve just skimmed through the last few blogs, which, admittedly, have been sporadic. They’re very saddening to read. I’m determined to leave that behind for a while and focus on the positives in my life. I’ll change the motto under the site name too, when I remember how to do so. It’s from a dark time, a dark place and a dark mindset.

I think it’s clear from previous posts that I believe my life to be far from perfect – I’m going through some rough times that have been present since late August, but I’ll pull through, I hope. I just need to try and repair a friendship. My best friend; my BEST friend. I feel distant from and I’m beginning to feel the start of resentment towards him and I don’t want to, but I am feeling it. I need to address it. I don’t know how. It’s difficult when you have this feeling of dissatisfaction with someone, but they don’t seem to feel it too – how can you tell them you feel they’re not always acting like a friend?

Gosh. There goes what I said in my first paragraph. I guess sometimes it’s just best to bash out these thoughts onto a keyboard – whether they’re read or not feels somewhat irrelevant.

Light up, light up – as if you have a choice?

Edit: Changed header. OH MY GOD THE BLOG POST ABOUT TWO OR THREE POSTS DOWN IS DEPRESSING. DIEDIEDIE

STOP

I am having a very bad week. Everything is falling apart and there’s nothing I can do apart it – forces external from myself are controlling or causing these situations and everything is becoming screwed up. Things that are meant to be certain (and have been that way for 7 months!) are being blown into space and there’s nothing I can do. It’s so frustrating. I can’t help but worry now and I have no idea what school is going to be like for the next two years. If I’m forced into subjects I don’t want to do this is going to affect my performance adversely and this could ruin my dreams and ambitions. If I don’t get 4 As at AS Level and 3 As at A2 how am I going to ever get into Oxford? It’s simple. I won’t. I won’t get an Oxford Law degree and I won’t get a job of my dreams (which is a whole new problem as I have no idea what I want to do). I don’t even know that I’ll have both parents to see me through this. I hate my life so much. IT’S SO FUCKING UNFAIR. I GOT THE BEST FUCKING GRADES IN MY YEAR AND I WORKED SO HARD AND I ALWAYS HAVE AND I’M POLITE AND KIND AND GOOD TO PEOPLE AT SCHOOL AND IN LIFE AND I GET DEALT THE SHITTEST CARDS. I’m so unhappy. There’s no other word to use to describe it. I’m devoid of happiness. I have two lessons with one of my best friends and none with the other two. I’m not even doing lessons I want to. I’m not even sure what one of them will be. I’ve worked so hard for nothing. Why is this happening to me? Why now? I don’t need this on top of the other major issue I’m having to deal with at home.

It’s just not fair. I’m a good person who works hard. I hate my life.

Finality

Within reach of my final destination

Just a little further, one last push

To reach it, the ultimate place.

It won’t be long now.

I’ve travelled for so long

Waiting for this moment

It’s time to seize it.

Let’s run for our lives.

Not to save them, but to make sure

They’re entwined for eternity.

Forever.

And ever.

Nothing can separate us because

We’ve taken control.

Now, let’s do this together

Before second thoughts possess us.

Take my hand.

Take the leap of faith.

Take control.

<3

Now the sky could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

Could be blue,
could be grey
without you I’m just miles away

could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

This is ridiculously relevant to my life. I guess everyone feels like this at times… I’ve felt like this for months in a sad way, but now I’m happy about it. It doesn’t make sense really, but I was so happy yesterday I think the happiness spilled over and made something sad something happy.

It’s Time to Finish the Fight.

Three years on from the terrible, tragic events of 7th July 2005, let us spare a thought for those who died, their families and their friends. Let us be thankful for our emergency services, who were key to delivering a quick, effective and life-saving response. Let us be thankful that we know if this happens again, people will, like they did 3 years ago today, not panic after a bomb has exploded metres from them, but rush to help those around them and save lives. Let us be thankful that further attacks in 2005, 2006 and 2007 were thwarted – sometimes due to the stupidity of those trying to carry out these despicable deeds.

I have no doubt that terrorists will attempt, and it is highly probable that they will at some point succeed, to indiscriminately kill more innocent people in our country, be it in the capital or elsewhere. I have no doubt that they will continue to seek to divide us and to scare us. However, I have no doubt that they will not succeed in dividing us and scaring us. For that is the strength of the people as a whole – they fight, but not with murderous attacks. The resilience shown by those who travelled by tube the next day is a testimony to how we will stand strong against those who seek to hurt us and we will prevail. Our numbers are far, far greater than theirs and even if they strike us, we will get straight back up and be ready to retaliate with love and moral compassion – our ‘weapon’ to be used against them.

This feeling was echoed by many on 7th July 2005. Scott Mills rounded off his show with the song ‘Tubthumping’ due to high listener demand. The lyrics “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down” represented the defiant attitude of the people in this country. A small, seemingly anecdotal fact, but one of great importance nonetheless.

I think that Ken Livingstone, ex-Mayor of London, has said it best, so I shall end this post with his wise words.

Ken Livingstone wrote:

Finally, I wish to speak directly to those who came to London today to take life. I know that you personally do not fear giving up your own life in order to take others – that is why you are so dangerous. But I know you fear that you may fail in your long-term objective to destroy our free society and I can show you why you will fail. In the days that follow look at our airports, look at our sea ports and look at our railway stations and, even after your cowardly attack, you will see that people from the rest of Britain, people from around the world will arrive in London to become Londoners and to fulfil their dreams and achieve their potential. They choose to come to London, as so many have come before because they come to be free, they come to live the life they choose, they come to be able to be themselves. They flee you because you tell them how they should live. They don’t want that and nothing you do, however many of us you kill, will stop that flight to our city where freedom is strong and where people can live in harmony with one another. Whatever you do, however many you kill, you will fail.

End of an Era

It’s 09/05/08 (at the time I begin writing this post, although it could be tomorrow when it is finished). This is probably a day that passed normally for many people – nothing of importance really occurred for many, like most days. However, for myself, it truly was the end of an era. I’ve been at my secondary school for five years now and I’ve loved so much of my time there. I’ve never really had any ‘enemies’ and I’m the sort of person who isn’t really disliked by those who don’t know me well. I’m polite to everyone, bar a couple of people, and I’m only rude to them occasionally – but this isn’t unwarranted rudeness. However, this post isn’t meant to be full of malice and spite, which I am more of capable than at times – yet I hide this from everyone rather well – I think perhaps my best friends might know, having spent years with me, that I can be horrifically malicious and spiteful if provoked into being so, and perhaps it even scares them a little. Admittedly I find it a little scary too – it’s not a side of myself that I show to the world often at all, but when I do, it’s destructive.